Let's Go Fly A Kite...

That's what I'm doing, though you probably can't see the kite in this picture, and what with me being so unphotogenic it's a bit rubbish really, no offence to the photographer though. Ho hum. It was an absolutely bee-yoootiful day on Saturday so when Naomi called me all my good intentions of spending the day spring cleaning went out of the window. I packed my kite up and got a bottle of Irn Bru from the shop (for you can't go to Holyrood Park without Irn Bru, that'd just be WRONG! Unless you have cava, that would be an acceptable substitute.) and toddled down to soak up some of the spring weather.

I realised that I've had my kite since I was about 12 years old and it's still going strong. It really is a Super Tube! The pocket kite fared less well though, it seems a bit lopsided so it just kept flying around in circles and then crashing to the ground. I think my Super Tube was the second best kite out in the park on Saturday afternoon though. The best kite was one of those huuawge ones that can lift you off the ground, somebody was out with an orange and white one (so not Matthew's old one) and it was flying beautifully. My kite just went almost straight up and stayed up. Joe (Naomi's bro*) did want to run the string out to the end just to see how far it would go but he's that sort of guy. Having just realised how long I've owned that kite for I was less inclined to take the risk of losing it and took it back off him. There's a metaphor for life if ever there was one! He likes to go to the end of the string just to see what happens or if he can and I'm quite happy to accept there's an end to the string but I don't need to see it or risk my kite to know that it's there. Very zen... or something.

The third best kite was being flown by a mummy and her wee boy. It was several kites, about half a dozen, all strung together and they were sparkly. Oooh pretty! The most rubbish kite was a stunt one that 2 boys and their dad were attempting to fly while the mother and, presumably, the grandmother, stood by and looked unimpressed. They only managed to get it in the air once and it didn't stay up there for very long. I tried not to snigger too much as I stood there and enjoyed the serenity and calm engendered by my kite. I always forget how satisfying it is to fly my kite and I must make an effort to do it more often now the weather is getting better again. Hoorah!

*Literally mofo. Check out the gansta stylee. Word.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nao1/394419844/

Music and Man in Small Shorts...

I actually went and bought some popular music that wasn't in the bargain section. I'm hip with the kids man! Honest...

This is a new release as well, only came out on Monday. Gosh! Am I becoming a pop picker? Nae chance of that, trust me ;o)

So this album is ace. It's basically what it says on the tin, this guy has got 2 pop tunes and 'mashed' them together. What comes out of this is almost as good as my famous mustard mash with the added bonus of being less calorific. Some of my favourites on this album are:

Horny as a Dandy - Mousse T vs Dandy Warhols
Passenger Fever - Peggy Lee vs Iggy Pop
Can't Get a Blue Monday Out of My Head - Kylie vs New Order

All groovy stuff kids, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

I would also like to publicly give my thanks to the wonderful Simon Pegg for releasing Hot Fuzz on that most despicable of capitalist celebrations - Valentines Day. Instead of spending the evening cursing Hallmark and ranting about the meaninglessness of it all I got to go to the cinema with 4 good friends and laugh my ass off solidly for a couple of hours. That's what the film is about too, good friends. It's a homage to the Buddy Cop movie and beats the pants off any of them. *

*I had some stuff in here about friends and how they disappear out your life sometimes but that was all a bit depressing and neither of those barstewards read this thing anyway so there was very little point in it. Back to the pants.

And that brings me to my confession...

There was also a trailer last night for yet another Simon Pegg movie. Oh joy! It's called Run, Fatboy, Run and Lordy knows when it'll be released in the cinemas, I'm hoping it'll be this summer but maybe that's wishful thinking. That's not what I'm confessing about though. I have to confess I'm haunted by the vision of Simon Pegg in the most ridiculously small shorts you've ever seen in your life! It's probably extremely clever marketing because those lycra monstrosities will be lurking in my brain until I see the movie... But they're stragely compelling. I probably need professional help!

Bumholes!!

Did you know that it's National Chip Week?

Well, apparently it is. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I can't join in the fun. I fell off the diet wagon and into a vat of lard last week so I've got to be very good now. Harumph!

The plan seems to be to convince people that chips aren't as bad as you think. I don't think chips are bad, I think chips are wonderful. They're just lardy too. Sigh.

I've known some good chips in my time, and some bad chips. Possibly the worst chips on the face of the planet were available at any refectory in Edinburgh University, back in the day. When I was at uni I used to wonder what on Earth they did to the poor potatoes to make them that awful? I mean, chopped potato and some hot oil - how can you go wrong? Ask the catering staff at the uni circa 1995-1999! I suspect perhaps the oil wasn't hot enough but they weren't exactly soggy, they did manage to stick together in big clumps though. It was quite disturbing and they were like that the whole 4 years I was at uni. Maybe I should go and investigate what they're like these days? I'm horribly afraid they're still the same though. Eeeeuw!

Good chips? Where does one get good chips? I still haven't tried that place on the Royal Mile that Zoe recommends. The Sea Breeze or something? Dude - next time you're in Edinburgh it's fish suppers all round yeah?

Oh, and curly fries! Why can you not find curly fries anywhere anymore? Bar Oz is apparently back to being Oddfellows and is wanky and overpriced so I doubt you can get them there. A billy can of curly fries used to be the mutt's nuts though, with lashings of ketchup. Drooool.

Oh well, I've got more of The Great Meatball Experiment Mark II for my dinner tonight. I've been experimenting to see if you can do meatballs in a Le Creuset. Marks I and II have tasted splendid but have been a bit on the runny side. It's difficult to get the amount of liquid right but next time I'm going to try adding passata to see if that gloopifies it up a little bit. If Mark III doesn't work I may have to admit defeat and come to the conclusion that you can't do meatballs that way. Booo!

The Million Dollar Question

What's In The News Today?

Genius!!

From the Independent On Line - www.iol.co.za

Bus Passengers Treated to Soft Porn

Bus passengers in Sofia are being shown soft porn films on giant video screens at night.

During the day the plasma screens in the Bulgarian capital show bus times, but the night shift now has the porn films on view.

A spokesperson for the station management said: "We wanted to give the passengers something to take their minds off the cold and to pass the time while waiting for a bus, and there are unlikely to be children around that time of night."

The move however has angered many, including mothers with young children, who say the movies are a disgrace.

They also claim the security guards have stopped patrolling for troublemakers, and spend their time watching the giant screens instead. - Ananova.com

What I Are Been Reading....

Also this weekend I finally got my sticky little paws on a copy of Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. Zoe lent me the copy that's she's had since she was 18 and it's a beautiful copy. It has the cover shown and is yellowing and obviously old. I'll look after it dude, I promise!!

What can I say about this book?

Whoop whoop! Awoooga! Rrrrroooowrrrr! Zoinks!

Go read it!!!

From Vampire Hunters to Dirty Old Men... In One Weekend!

Friday was my colleague Ewen's birthday so we went to Assembly for drinks after work as they have a 2-for-1 offer on cocktails. Several raspberry mules and a couple of white Russians later and Ewen managed to get me to ingest my first ever Friday night kebab. It was a chicken kebab with garlic sauce from Palmyra and I have to say it was pretty dang tasty! It could have been the alcohol speaking but I distinctly remember thinking I could have done with another one. This is probably a bad thing! I then forced Ewen to watch one of my favourite late night drunk movies - Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. A musical horror with lesbians and Mexican wrestlers. What else could one ask for? Ewen showed his appreciation by falling asleep and snoring very loudly. Philistine!

On Saturday Zoe and Matthew had their farewell leaving do - dinner at David Banns. I have to say that the food was superb but I'm definitely too impatient to be happy with the wait it inevitably comes with. Oh well, apart from that is was a very nice meal. There were a few quality drunks on the way back to keep us entertained. The first one was so drunk his knees didn't work properly and we actually stopped to watch him try and negociate the kerb. In the end he gave up trying to get back on to the pavement and just started staggering off down the road. He was moving very slowly so hopefully motorists would have had enough time to avoid him. The second drunk seemed to have been locked out by his pal. He was shouting to be let in and when that didn't work the tirade of abuse towards his acquantance started. Then he started shouting at us for sniggering at him. I think this was a bit unfair, I personally was sniggering near him - not directly at him. Ah, I will miss the colourful characters that you see in Dumbidykes now that I won't be visiting Zoe. They do sometimes venture up into the Southside though so I'll still see them now and again.

Well, Zoe always joked that I was the bestest boyfriend ever because I'd bring her chocolate and fill her hot water bottle when she was crampy. My "boyfriend" has now moved to Guildford (and that's too far to go just to fill a hottie [f'narr] or deliver some ice cream) but she seems to have been replaced by a new "spouse" already. Emily and I spent Sunday afternoon viewing flats, shopping in Ikea and trailing around Sainsbury's for a weekly shop. Sigh. We didn't bicker or argue and nobody stomped off in a huff or insulted the other one's family though so I guess we can't be that much of a married couple - I'm still going to petition for custody of the tripod cat on holidays and weekends though ;o)

On Sunday evening we went to see Venus, which I'm particularly pleased about because it seems to be one of the ones that Cineworld only shows for about a week. They always do that with the ones I want to see. Bah. Anyhoo, it's currently sharing screen 13 (the posh one) with The Fountain (remember that??) so I doubt it'll still be playing after Thursday. This is the story of a 70-something actor and his unlikely friendship/romance with his friend's teenage grand-niece and I have to say I really liked this film. Some people will undoubtedly find the subject of an old man lusting after a young girl unsavoury but it's not all that bad and they really should give it a chance. The characters are so well done that you can't help but feel sympathy for O'Toole and excuse his lecherousness to a certain extent. He was obviously a virile man who now has one foot in the grave and the other one isn't far behind, why the Hell should he behave himself? The 'ick' factor is also tempered by the fact that he usually gets kicked in the nuts or slapped whenever he tries anything on. The character of Jessie, or 'Venus' is just as unlikeable as a lecherous old man to begin with. She's rude, uncommunicative and sloppy but as you understand more of her back story she does start to grow on you, and as her friendship with Maurice grows she becomes less hideous. This film does make uncomfortable viewing because you're reminded that older people don't just quietly and gracefully retire from life and dodder off into a world of biscuits and countdown. They swear, they have lustful feelings, they get bored and fed up just like the rest of us - but they're further impeded by just being plain old and things not working as well as they used to. No wonder we try and ignore older people - we're scared witless of ending up like that! Yikes!

Anyway, it's a bloody good film and it's given me an excuse to post a picture of the youthful and beautiful Peter O'Toole. When the light hits him in a certain way he's almost handsome.... *

* That's a quote from one of my favourite films - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059903/

It's Been 14 Weeks and Shoobeedooo Hours.....

...Since I started watching Buffy again and I finished the epic quest to watch all 7 seasons AND extras on Monday night. Go me! I have to say I was a little underwhelmed by the extras, but this could be because I'm such a rabid fan and, really, I want commentaries on every single episode by the writers, actors and directors. Is that too much to ask?

Obviously it is because what I got was a commentary on about every 4th episode, mostly by the writers but sometimes by the director and in rare cases a couple of the actors (Yay! Tom Lenk!). The commentary on one episode in particular was very dull. I can't even remember which episode it was but they'd wheeled in the Assistant Director or something and he kept going on about lighting and camera angles in quite a monotone voice. Yawn! Some of the episodes you'd expect to have commentaries didn't have one and there was a distinct lack of blooper reels (2 blooper reels from 7 series - 25% of which where Nick Brendon fluffing his lines? Rip off!) Still, after watching a few of the commentaries you could start to imagine what some of the writers at least would say.

There was also not enough James Marsters for my liking. I think that makes the gratuitous nuddy shot above quite justified though. Mmmm, nuddy shot....

Right, where was I? Oh yes, Buffy extras. Apparently there are outtakes of the bit in 'Smashed' where Buffy and Spike get it on posted on You Tube. I must go have a look for them....

Ooh, there's a lot of Buffy bloopers on there. I'll have to check them out sometime. Here's a link to the 'Morning After' bloopers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQVh2OMCqNo

I'll be moving on to my loverly Angel box set soon. Hurrah! I will dampen down my expectations of the extras though. I haven't watched Angel in so long this is going to be gooooood. Apart from Connor. I'll still be rooting for the whiny little twat to get minced. I love it when stuff hits him!!

Blackadder, Bad Trips and Balderdash

I was in the pub on Friday evening for Zoe's work leaving drinks. We were in the Holyrood Tavern, which I haven't been in for about 4 years, and on that last occasion it was the Edinburgh Festival and I can't remember much about it - yes, I was pished at the time. I do remember it being about 12:30am and the pub was heaving. I also remember seeing Simon Munnery (weird Festival 'comedian') sitting at the end of the bar, he was reading a newspaper... at half midnight in a pub. I remember thinking "What a tosser!" I later caught a bit of his very strange TV programme and was reassured that he did, in fact, seem to be a tosser. This time the bar was very quiet and civilised and pleasant, in a sticky tabled kind of way. At about 10pm the gathering repaired to Zoe's flat where one of her colleagues took a bit of a shine to me, and not in a good way. The colleague in question was a 40-something lady who kept hugging and kissing me. That has a sobering effect on one, I can tell you! She was a very affable drunk, just a bit... What's the word? Slobbery. Oh well, I later found out the poor woman had to work the next day so all my sympathies go out to her.

On Saturday evening Zoe and I had access to Byron's huuawge store of televisual entertainment. Oh joy! He actually has the pilot episode of The Blackadder which, despite being a huge and almost rabid Blackadder fan, I had never seen. Zoe kindly agreed to watch it with me and it was verreeee interestinck. It's basically the episode of The Blackadder where a aspersions are cast on the lineage of Edmond's brother, the heir to the throne, but in Elizabethan Blackadder the 2nd costumes. Oh, and Baldrick isn't as funny - Tony Robinson must have been born to play that part! Edmond is also the smarmy Blackadder of the second series and not the little slimy Edmond that he became in the first one. It still made me laugh out lound though, and there's a lot more slapstick in it. I'd be interested to find out why they changed from the smarmy Blackadder to the toady one, but then I'm a big freaky nerd that way ;o)

After that we watched a very interesting programme about LSD. I've never taken it myself and, after watching this programme, still have absolutely no desire to but it's one of those things (like killer bees) that makes you marvel and what dumb-asses human beings can be sometimes. Killer bees got loose on the American continent because the scientists studying them left a temp in charge when they all went on holiday and LSD seems to have got rife in the 1960's because the CIA decided to run clinical trials on students. D'oh!! Still, at least the students volunteered. This programme said there was evidence that the CIA dosed unwitting members of the public with it, basically to see what happened and if it could be used as a weapon. Evil. Evil. Evil.

Included in the programme was footage of an experiment that the BBC ran where they filmed a subject while he took a trip. This was not some crusty student they had scraped up, this was a smartly suited BBC presenter who took the drug in his drawing room. It ended up looking like something from Harry Einfield's Mr Chomondley-Warner series but the chap on the trip seemed to be having a marvelous time. He completely lost any 'normal' perception of time and would phase in and out of conversations. At one point he said he simply didn't have the vocabulary to explain what he was experiencing. This seemed to be a common theme with people on acid...

Which brings me to the movie I went to see on Sunday afternoon - The Fountain. I think this movie was on acid, or I wish I'd taken something before going to see it! I say it was on acid because it seemed to want to articulate something very profound but lacked the vocabulary and what came out was pretty incoherent balderdash. Talking of pretty though, baldy star-man Hugh Jackman in his little kung-fu pyjamas was quite pretty - when you weren't sniggering at how ridiculously pretentious those bits of the movie were! (See really bad photo above).

So Hugh Jackman's a surgeon married to a lady with a brain tumour, who's also the (quite barmy in my opinion) queen of Spain and he's also a hairy conquistador, but yet he's a baldy dude in little jammies doing tai chi in the stars and she's a tree... Or something.

I read a review on the IMDB about this one and I wonder what movie that guy went to see. Tellingly, he says a lot about the cinematography and the score but very, very little about the actual content or themes of the film. See above RE incoherent balderdash.

I hate to say it, but I may end up having a soft spot for this film just because it is so bad. So it's official - I'm sometimes a cinematic masochist. The review on the BBC website said it was "...rampant metaphysical codswallop" and I was practically sprinting to the cinema. I only have myself to blame. I'd go with meandering esoteric haddock slap myself though.

What Does 3.5lbs Look Like?

So, first weigh-in at fat club and despite a bit of a wobbly week I managed to lose 3.5lbs. Go me! I completely forgot that I had a free lunch (no such thing!) to go to on Monday so that didn't help much. The department had the Xmas lunch at Howie's on Victoria Street and we were entered into a draw to win your lunch again - we won! I had lovely creamy cullen skink to start with, rabbit for mains (bring on the bunny!) and cheese for dessert. Burp! I did go to the gym twice last week though so I think that helped.

I decided to type "3.5lbs" into the image searcher on Google to see what came out. Apparently I've lost the equivalent of one of the following in a week:

Makita 6228DWE 3/8in. Dr.14.4V Cordless Drill
I kind of popped this one in for Matthew. He loves his Makita.

A huuuawge tub of Gumballs
Retailing at $24.95

A bronze statue of a cow
He's called Riley apparently, by David Hodges. Actually, he weighs 7.5lbs so Lordy knows why he popped up in my search. Isn't he horrible though? Who'd have that in their house?? It's Range Boss that weighs 3.5lbs and it's even worse:

http://www.stockyardsgallery.com/original%20bronzes.htm

Jeez-oh!

A small yappy-type dog.
He's called Grover.

F*cksocks!!

Well, I was SO excited yesterday because I was due to start a new night class. It was entitled Film Studies - History of British Comedy. Fandabidozie! Just what I was looking for - the right evening, the right price and the right subject.

However, it being a council run course, they needed a quota of at least 10 people to sign up for it. You'd think they'd get that no problem but no, only 6 people turned up. How annoying! We started off watching a little clip of a Will Hay film from the 1930s and having a little discussion about colonial attitudes and the origins of British film comedy because we were advised to wait until half past to see if anyone else would turn up. Just that little tiny smidgin of discussion was SO interesting it made my disappointment even more crushing, I almost cried on the way home.

The class leader said he'd try and run the course again in September so I'll have to keep an eye out for it then, and next time I'm taking friends with me!!!

Saturday Night At The Movies....

Who cares what picture you see.... do bee do bee

Well, me actually cos I haven't got anyone to be a huggin' and a kissin' and even if I did I most certainly don't go in for that sort of thing! Heh, my first date at the tender age of 15 was to see 'Delicatessen' (how sophisticated was I for a 15-year old?!?! Not very cos I didn't get it at the time) and the boy I was with kept trying to snog me all the way through. I kept swatting him off because I was actually watching the film and it's carried on like that ever since. I take my cinema very seriously and can't be doing with stupid boys who want to cuddle up when my chair is obviously designed to make me comfortable and him having his arm around me is just a pain in the neck, literally. Gerrofff!

That's one of the reasons why I don't usually go on a Saturday evening. People who say they don't like going to the cinema obviously only go on a Saturday and get a very skewed notion of what goes on. Tea-time/after work on a Tuesday, that's when you should go, it's very civilised then. No long queues, no gangs of unruly teens, a lot less popcorn munching and answering of phones, etc. etc. etc. Anyhoo, I went to Emily's for dinner and to meet her tripod cat, Albie, on Saturday and then we headed up to Cineworld to see what Mel Gibson's latest offering was like. Albie was very cute by the way and the three-legged thing isn't as freaky as you would think.

So, Apocalypso. What can I say about this film? Um... it's an interesting one - but not for the right reasons. Perhaps I should have read more about the plot synopsis before I went but, to me, that shouldn't be necessary with a good film. I knew absolutely nothing about Vera Drake when I saw it as a special preview but right from the start I was intrigued with her and Mike Leigh only took about 10 minutes to get to the point. 40 minutes in to Apocalypso and I was still wondering where on Earth it was supposed to be going? I'm swithering about how much to say because if I complain too much I'll give away the plot but then again, I'm not sure I would encourage people to watch this effort.

Oh gosh, I just read the review on the IMDB of this film. 10 stars? What film was that dude watching??? Breathless pace? Only if the guy next to you is snoring! I thought the film took an age to get where it was going and then just got very silly and predictable at the end. By far the best bit is the jaguar chase and I don't think the effect Mr Gibson was going for was to make me absolutely piss myself laughing.

I think it's an interesting film because not many people would attempt a film in a dead language so, from an historical point of view, it could be valuable. However, as the IMDB states:

Factual errors: The Mayans had a prolific knowledge of astronomy and were able to calculate solar and lunar eclipse dates over thousands of years. So, a solar eclipse would not have been a surprise for anyone.

D'oh! Major plot point there.

On Sunday afternoon (a much more civilised cinema time) I went to see The Last King of Scotland, a not at all silly and actually very good offering. This film is about a young Scots medical graduate who travels to Uganda in 1970 in order to taste a bit of life instead of being shovelled straight into the family GP practice with his father. That young Scot is played by the strangely yummy James McAvoy so I've posted a picture of him cos hey, any excuse! Through a chance encounter he ends up the personal physician to the new leader of the country, Idi Amin. As Amin's reputation as an evil bampot is his legacy you can imagine that all does not end well for our hero. In fact, it all goes pretty spectacularly wrong and I have to admit that I was on the edge of my seat for at least the last half hour of this movie. It is stunningly scary, mostly due to Forest Whitaker's brilliant portrayal of an absolutely psychotic Idi Amin. I think the lazy eye thing helps so I don't know if the real Amin was just as or even more scary without it. If that film is an accurate portrayal the guy was a freakin' fruitloop and had a lot of power so yes, he was a very, very, very scary man. As they say, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Not at all an enjoyable movie to watch but very good indeed.

Now I'm looking forward to the release of Bobby, a film Emilio Estefez has apparently been trying to make for years. The cast he finally got together is star studded and the advance hype all seems quite positive. That's out the week after next so if you're very good I'll let you know what I think of that as well ;o)

Status Report

So, I'm officially a Scottish Slimmer now. I went to the meeting and I got all the bumf and I've read the magazine and so on and so forth. Basically I aint just on a diet, I'm going to have to go through a whole life overhaul, and it's probably about time. It's Le Creuset casseroles and housework on a Sunday from now on... honest guv! Well, I'll take it a step at a time I think. I cleared out my wardrobe last weekend, which filled 2 bin bags and liberated about 47 coat hangers. Scarily enough all my clothes still don't fit in the damn thing (it's a really, really stupid design) but at least I have enough coat hangers now. There's still a lot to trawl through in the life laundry but that was a start.

In a similar spirit I thought I'd change my blogger profile. I used to have the following random question and answer, which I think reflected my personality in some ways:

Q- You get to ride the big roller coaster three times in a row. What will keep your dad from taking a bite out of your candy apple?
A - I got chips instead and scoffed the lot, thus answering the eternal "Daddy or chips?" question.

This didn't seem quite right for Dietlicious, Fit and Healthy Marj so I decided to change it. Man, but those random questions are bizarre though. I trawled through about a dozen of them before I found one that I remotely wanted to answer, and even then it's a bit dodgy. It will probably be changed again soon but I had to go and do some work so it'll do for now.

The picture on my Gil Elvgren desk calendar was the one above today, could this be an omen? It's entitled Weighty Problem (Starting at the Bottom). Hey, that could be me soon! Lordy knows where I'll find one of those devices though. What are they supposed to do anyway? It looks like it'd be good for cellulite and I'm way beyond any help in that department now. I may keep her picture around for inspiration though :)

I'm Not Fat, I'm Just Fluffy....

So today is D-Day... as in Diet Day. I'm off to join Scottish Slimmers in a moment so wish me luck! This is the start of the long slog to gorgeous sveltness and looking decent for Zoe and Matthew's wedding. I thought if I publicise the fact I may be shamed into actually sticking to the thing so stay tuned for progress reports...

Song for Today

I once met a man with a sense of adventure He was dressed to thrill wherever he went He said "Let's make love on a mountain top Under the stars on a big hard rock "
I said "In these shoes? I don't think so I said "Honey, let's do it here."

So I'm sitting at a bar in Guadalajara
In walks a guy with a faraway look in his eyes He said "I've got as powerful horse outside Climb on the back, I'll take you for a ride I know a little place, we can get there for the break of day."
I said "In these shoes?"
"No way, Jose"
I said "Honey, let's stay right here."
No le gusta caminar. No puede montar a caballo (She doesn't like to walk, she can't ride a horse) Como se puede bailar? Es un escandolo (But the way she dances, it's a scandal)

Then I met an Englishman "Oh" he said "Won't you walk up and down my spine? It makes me feel strangely alive."
I said "In these shoes? I doubt you'd survive. I said "Honey, let's do it. Let's stay right here."
No le gusta caminar. No puede montar a caballo (She doesn't like to walk, she can't ride a horse) Como se puede bailar? Es un escandolo (But the way she dances, it's a scandal)

God Bless Kirsty MacColl!

I still haven't bought any shoes this year though. All the ones in the sales are minging! Bah!!

Today's Fish is Trout a'la Creme...

Fish!!

Did you ever think you'd see the day where I'd get distracted from Buffy? Well, that day has come. I've been loaned The Blue Planet on DVD and I can't get enough of it. I've only got 4 episodes of season 7 of Buffy left to watch and I'd rather watch the fishies. The other night I deliberately stopped myself with 4 episodes of Buffy left to go because I knew I'd have to watch all of them in a oner and didn't fancy staying up until 3am on a school night to get it done. "Oh, I'll just pop in the Blue Planet instead," I thought to myself. D'oh! I'm completely hooked now.

I think my favourite bit so far is the bit with the killer whales hunting sea lions and going right up on to the beach to nab them. You must have seen that bit but the brilliant thing about it is the lead-up to that in the programme. Immediately before that the viewer is treated to an account of the family life of sealions and how they raise their pups. On a quiet beach young sealion pups frolic and play. The adults keep a watchful eye on them and occasionally join in their little games. The beach they have chosen is a perfect nursery with enclosed pools for the pups to practice swimming in when the tide is out. It's now high tide and time for the young pups to take their first foray into the surf. You see a shot of the pups just on the shore and gradually your eye notes a strange black and white shape in the waves... then WHAM. SPLASH. CHOMP. There's a freaking big killer whale on the beach!!!! Just brilliant. I love it when nature programmes do things like that. I still remember that other BBC production that showed chimps hunting a monkey. Oh the outcry at the time! People thought chimps just ate bananas and drank Typhoo tea but this showed them ripping a monkey to bits and scoffing it down. That's life folks!

On a side note: I went to see Ingmar Bergman's Seventh Seal at the Film House last night. Also superb. Superficially I can see why some people might brand the film as dull and pointless but it doesn't have a reputation as one of the most iconic European 'art films' for nothing. There's tons of stuff in there, humour as well as philosophy and theology. Bergman's death is not as impartial as Terry Pratchett's but he likes a laugh. Jons the squire is the one that seems to have the most healthy outlook on things though - "Wherever you turn you'll always have your rump behind you." or, as the translation I saw last night would have it "It's your own arse you sit on." True. True.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam.....

Spammitty Spam Spam Spam.....

After a couple of weeks with no internet access quite a bit of spam had built up in my email account. Before deleting it all for ever I thought I had better check if any real emails had got shovelled into the Spam file by mistake. While trawling through all the shite that had accumulated there I started to notice odd user names for some of the senders of the Spam. Some were so amusing I thought I'd share:

(I think the third from last might be my favourite!)

Subservients B. Sparred
Britney Spears
Opaline Smathers
Married K. Buber
Chihuahuas I. Chippewa
Perverted B. Fluffiest
Taxidermist J. Pummelled
Inneficiency U. Harpist
Berserk F Cheeriness
Prophesy F. Roughnecking
Electorate V. Homemade
Hallucinogenics O'Hepburn
Idled H. Surveillance
Portmanteau D. Clothing

Oh, and an honourary mention for one of the chaps doing a seminar at the university in March - Mr Feuchtwang. Oh, I'm so easily amused!

Happy New Year & All That Guff

Hoorah! Hoorah! That's 2006 over with and 2007 is now here. I've still been putting 06 on all the dates I've had to write today but that's not unusual, I always take until about April to get the hang of it.

Hogmanay this year was wild, and I don't mean in a booze-fuelled way. I mean the elements were giving it laldy. I went out to buy tobacco at about 5pm on New Year's Eve and was so blustered and battered and rained on from just going to the shop at the end of the road that I was not relishing having to drag my sorry ass out to make merry. In the end I decided to don my new flannel jammies, park myself on the couch and just not go out at all. Louise and Craig came up to keep me company and we had a very pleasant and cosy evening in front of the telly. Lovely!

The street party had been cancelled at about 10pm so the papers on the first were full of very odd pictures of a totally deserted Princes Street (see above). SO glad I wasn't out there!

Resolutions include getting in shape for Zoe & Matthew's wedding in September/October and (after the hangover I suffered yesterday) never ever ever drinking again! That one won't last long but I'm going to be one of Zoe's bridesmaids so I'd better get my fat ass down the gym asap. Sigh.

So, 2007 is shaping up thusly:

Hangovers: 1 very severe one. I had drunk 2 bottles of red wine though. Uuurgh.

Square sausages: 1.5 (I had to share my sausage supplies with my first foot. Bah! Probably a good thing considering the imminent health kick though)

Seasons of Buffy: Finished re-watching season 6 last night. Love it!!!!

New Pairs of Shoes: 0 - Haven't been down the sales yet. Haud me back!!

Happy Hogswatch

Well, it's finally here. 'Twas the Friday before Xmas and all through the town people were going "Oh b*llocks! I forgot to buy sprouts!" Not me though, partly cos I don't like sprouts and partly because I've tasked Annabel to get them. She's the one that likes sprouts anyway. As long as she remembers the parsnips I'll be happy. I have to go buy toothpaste, loo roll, deodorant, all that kind of stuff. What a time to run out! Cameron Toll here I come I guess. Bah. And humbug too.

I got my tree up last Friday, with the help of Naomi. Thank goodness she came round, I don't think I could have mustered the enthusiasm myself but the results do cheer me up (see rather blurry photo) I really wanted blue fairy lights but they're too expensive just now. I'll just have to wait a year or two until they're totally unhip and then I'll get myself some. The multi-coloured ones are pretty though (£1.99 from Edinburgh Bargain Stores. Viva la Bargain Store!) and I have pink baubles and tinsel so it's sufficiently Marjified.

In a little over 50 minutes I'll be clearing out of the office ne'er to return... until the 4th of January anyway. Hoorah! This is the first job I've ever had where you actually can't work between Xmas and New Year, they shut the whole Uni down and I love it. I'm looking forward to having nothing to do, except I will have things to do. Dang! The best laid plans of mice and Marj, as they say.

Well, I must say 2006 has been interesting. It started well, was going pretty fine and dandy up until the Autumn but, unfortunately, since then it's gone a bit pear shaped. I'm now waiting to see the back of 2006 now and am actually looking forward to dreary, horrible mid-January because it will be over and done and gone. There'll be a whole slew of new rubbish to deal with then but it'll be different rubbish so it should at least not be as boring. Hah, and if it all gets too much I can escape to fabulous Guildford to visit Zoe and Matthew. I get to all the exotic locations, me.

Right so. Let's get on with it. Katie's insisted we play the Xmas CD one more time before we leave so Noddy bloody Holder is telling me, as if I didn't know, it's Chriiiiisstmaaaaaaas!

Piss off Noddy.

My Magnificent Octopus!

I've just been reading "The Other Side of the Story" by Marian Keyes. I woke up early on Sunday and decided to stay in bed and read for a bit (you need a pure, unadulterated chick lit binge once in a while and it's not fattening so it must do you good...) Just over 28 hours and 452 pagers later I'm sure, in some way I can't quite define, that she's written the novel I was going to write. Or rather, she writes the novels I'd write if I ever got off my ass and did it. Dammit!!

This novel has 3 main characters and little bits of each of them seem uncomfortably familiar. Maybe this is the secret of Ms Keyes' success? Zoe read the book before me and said she identified with the "Aargh! No clean clothes to wear. Rummage in wardrobe. Find shirt with stains - Oh well, won't take off jacket all day" aspect of one of the characters. Who hasn't done that though? I think I like the ball-busting literary agent Jojo the most of the three, despite her being American, but that's possibly because she's a curvy redhead and has the best shoes. I have other reasons for identifying with her the most as well so I really hope it all turns out nice in the end. Of course it will! It looks like the kind of book where you're guaranteed a satisfactory ending and the qoutation on the jacket says the book will "... make you bubble up with happiness inside." Oh fingers crossed it all turns out well. If I don't bubble up with happiness I may demand my money back. Oh hang on, I nicked the book from the big pile in my boss' office. Dang!

You're doomed...

So, I'm not usually a superstitious person but just recently I've suspected that the universe has it in for me. I'm the sort of person that won't walk under ladders because I'm afraid some fat builder is going to fall on my head but I'm sure I've broken a mirror before with no noticeable downturn in fortune, I open umbrellas indoors and I quite often put shoes on the bed (and the table - I can't remember which one is bad). I heard a new one last week though. I got a 2007 calendar from the procurement office and thinking 'Oh, how handy!' I stuck it up in the office. May, my colleague, was horrified because apparently this is bad luck. I've never heard this particular one though and scoffed at her warnings. Moreover, 20 minutes later I used the thing to check a date and thus reasoned that if it was fulfilling its purpose in life then how could it possibly bring misfortune?

Well, since then I've had a catalogue of woe and am worried that this time I may have got myself well and truly cursed. Dang!

I woke up in the middle of another power cut on Saturday. It was annoying but no big deal to me at that point. I couldn't shower so couldn't possibly leave the house and go Xmas shopping. I was able to make coffee and a bacon sandwich though so it wasn't all bad. I settled down on the couch, under a duvet, and spent most of the afternoon reading. When the power came back on the boiler was f*cked though. I have to admit I wept bitter tears of frustration at this point. I'd only had the gas man out about 3 weeks previously to fix the damn thing at a cost of £80-odd pounds and didn't fancy calling him out again. I even went to far as taking the thing to bits to see if I could change the fuse in it. This was all to no avail, it was still not working. I was absolutely gutted and retreated, muttering, back under the duvet.

A little later I had to emerge to get ready for dinner at the Duffs' house. I wasn't in the most sociable mood so was not particularly enthused about going, the alternative was sitting in a stone-cold flat feeling sorry for myself though so I thought I may as well inflict myself on my friends. That's what they're for after all. I thought I'd give the boiler one last try, in the hope that the fairies had fixed it. Well, blow me, they had done. The boiler came on when I turned the power on and when I put the heating on that glorious 'woof' sound of the pilot igniting filled my ears. I love that sound now, it's right up there with the pop of a cork coming out of a wine bottle for some of my favourite noises.

Now the hot water doesn't work though. Bah!

I went to the movies on Sunday and saw one of the worst films I've seen in a long time. Admittedly, it was a bit of a gamble but it could have been so bad it was good. No, The Covenant is a big pile of steaming doo-doo I'm afraid. The bad guy and the good guy both look the same and all the important plot is divulged by the 2 teenage girls while sitting about in their neglegiggles. I didn't think I had to pay attention to girls in their undies! What's the big idea of having them relate plot?? Nobody's going to listen! Pah!

When I got in on Sunday evening the bulb in the kitchen blew. I thought that taking down the calendar might negate the evil influence so I took it down as soon as I got into work on Monday. That didn't help though. I managed to break my coffee mug while washing up after lunch. Waily! I really liked that mug, it was big but elegant. Sigh. Things have been quite quiet the last couple of days though so maybe that was my final warning from the universe?

I bought a 2007 diary the other day and now I'm scared to put any entries in for next year in case this is bad luck too. Bah.

Bah Humbug!

Ugh. I came in to work on the 1st of December and May made us put up the Christmas decorations. There's a distinct lack of tinsel and glitter around my desk area by the way. The most Christmassy thing on my desk is a clementine, and I can't even be bothered eating that! Then she made us listen to Christmas songs today because it's Kirsty the temp's last day. I also had the misfortune to hear the new Cliff Richard song on the radio this morning. Waaargh! When will it all be over?? There's weeks of this still to go :o(

Bad Friend or Just Sneaky?

So, I bought Bruce Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman for his birthday (which is in 2 days) but I've started reading it. I'm trying really hard not to bend the spine. Does this make me a bad friend for giving him a sort of 2nd hand gift or a really good friend for buying him Neil Gaiman? I'm inclined to go with the 2nd one, and I'm sure Neil Gaiman would back me up!

(Addendum - having thought about it Mr Gaiman would probably say "Buy a second copy you cheapskate!" He does, after all, have all those cats to feed.)

Oh, it's so gooooooooooooood! I can't wait to see the movie version of Stardust :o)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486655/

Bloody Claire Daines and Sienna Miller though. Yeuch!!!

Hang on though... Adam Buxton?? Of Adam and Joe? Dexter Fletcher?? It get's curiouser and curiouser....

Beasties and Bogles and Things That Go Bump In The Night...

I've had a welcome return to the fantasy genre recently and I can't get enough of it! Seriously, I feel like I've run out of entertainment, despite having oodles of DVDs and books awaiting my attention.

It started with Terry Pratchett's Wintersmith, the latest in the Discworld for kids series. Tiffany Aching (Granny Weatherwax JR) is back and so are the Nac Mac Feegle and this time they're in the Ramtop mountains so Granny and Nanny make an appearance too. Huzzah! Love it! Some people accuse Terry of just writing the same story again and again and again but I personally don't care, I love that story and it's the details that make them such a delight to read. I was reading it on my lunch break at work and chuckling so much my colleagues had to ask what was going on. For example (and I'm paraphrasing here so bear with me) "When it came to being odd, Mrs Treason took the cake. In fact she also took all the biscuits, the tea set, the tea spoons and old clothes you had lying around..." Or words to those effect. Love it!!

I almost spiraled into a Terry Pratchett binge but American Gods by Neil Gaiman came my way. Another brilliant read that I would thoroughly recommend. The old gods in America are in trouble. They'd been brought there by settlers in the new world and then for the most part abandoned and forgotten. The new gods (of technology, entertainment, etc.) want to pick a fight and a chap called Shadow gets stuck somewhere in the middle. Another cracking good yarn by Mr Gaiman. Apparently they're making a film out of Stardust, I do hope they don't screw it up. I'm apprehensive about the version of Hogfather that Sky are going to broadcast over Christmas: Susan never looked like that in my head!!

Fuelled by Pratchett and Gaiman I borrowed The 10th Kingdom on DVD from Kirsi. Man, I love that mini series too. Virginia and her father go through a magic mirror in Central Park and end up in the land of fairy tales, 200 years after the golden age of Cinderella, Snow White, Queen Riding Hood and Queen Gretel. They're on the run from Trolls (singing the BeeGees) and Rutger Hauer as a very, very scary huntsman. It's great and it's got totty in the form of Wolf (pictured). I defy any girly not to fall in love with that character! It's so good in fact that Kirsi has only lent me the DVDs for a week because she'll have a panic attack if she doesn't get to stroke and pet them regularly. I must get my own copy.

The fantasy fest was topped off with a trip to the cinema to see Pan's Labyrinth, the new film by Guillermo Del Torro (Blade II, Hellboy). This is about a young girl in Spain in the 1940's. Her and her mother have travelled to the countryside to stay with her new stepfather. He's a captain in Franco's army and they are trying to capture and stop the local Communist rebels. Parallel to the story of the rebels and the captain runs the story of Ofelia and the fairies. She meets a faun in the Labyrinth who tells her she's the long lost daughter of a king and she must complete 3 tasks to get back to her father's kingdom. It's dark and different and brilliant in the best tradition of grotesque European fairy tales. It's got a 15 certificate and Naomi, Emily and I all ended up with our hands over our eyes at various points. Just brilliant!!

Now I have to find more fantasy or I am going to go on that Pratchett binge... Where's my cow?!?

Yes, I See Your Movie Film

Bravo Borat.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6153420.stm

Comedian Sacha Baron Cohen has defended his controversial creation Borat, saying he is a tool to reveal racism.

Baron Cohen dropped his alter ego for the first time since the Borat film was released, for an interview with Rolling Stone magazine.

"The joke is not on Kazakhstan," he said. "I think the joke is on people who can believe that the Kazakhstan that I describe can exist."

The film has topped the box office for a second week in both the US and UK.

The film, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, has a naive yet enthusiastic Kazakh reporter meeting with people across the United States.

Prejudice 'absurd'

It has upset some because of Borat's anti-semitic, sexist and racist comments. A pair of US students are suing the film studio, 20th Century Fox, claiming they were duped into appearing in the film.

But Cohen - a practising Jew - said the film ridiculed what people were prepared to believed about other cultures.

"Borat works essentially as a tool," the former Ali G star said.

"By himself being anti-Semitic, he lets people lower their guard and expose their own prejudice, whether it's anti-Semitism or an acceptance of anti-Semitism."

He added: "I think part of the movie shows the absurdity of holding any form of racial prejudice, whether it's hatred of African-Americans or of Jews."

I've had a pretty quiet time this week, saw a few movies, hung out a bit and so forth. It's been a week for navel gazing really. I was at the funeral of my old English teacher and mother of one of my friends last Thursday. Pippa Donald was, by all accounts, one of the finest teachers you could ever hope to meet and it's just coming to me now how much that woman taught me, and not just about Shakespeare. She loved a laugh, had a wicked sense of humour and brooked no nonsense from anybody. She scared the bejesus out of me quite a lot, even after we'd left school, but she's one of the women I most admire. She was claimed prematurely by cancer but didn't let it get her down and didn't ask "Why me?" She just got on with it and was teaching right up until the October break. What an inspiration! Oh, and she introduced me to one of my favourite Shakespeare quotes, from As You Like It:

Audrey: I am not a slut, though thank the gods I am foul.
Touchstone: Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness! Sluttishness may come hereafter.

All in all it's been a bit of a strange time recently, there seems to have been all sorts going on with everybody. There's been a higher than usual instance of couples breaking up, couples getting engaged, pregnancies being announced, things breaking down and so forth. Bruce keeps muttering about sychronicity from some hippy dippy book he's reading so I'm starting to wonder if the universe is messing with us. I'm not sure what the creative forces could be trying to tell me because one of my coincidences was telling Zoe and Byron about Shark Attack 3: Megaladon (an extremely shite film that's so bad it's funny. Huge prehistoric sharks man!!) and the star of that film being on Jonathon Ross the next evening. Erk? What? Are the creative forces telling me to watch more pish movies??

Talking of pish movies I went to see The Prestige yesterday. On the face of it you can't really go wrong: Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine, David Bowie. Magicians. Rivalry. Glamorous assistants.... For the most part the film was quite watchable, despite Christian Bale's character being thoroughly unlikeable, but it just got really stupid at the end. I won't say anything more than that but the phrase "Oh come on! You're kidding! What??" just about sums my reaction to the end of the movie. It may be controvertial and people won't believe me but I'd say spend your money on Borat instead. I don't know about the ethics of making fun of Khazakstan (if you believe that portrayal is real then you are a fuckwit though and deserve to have the widdle taken out of you) but I laughed mightily throughout that film. Plus, how often do you get to see a naked fat man being chased through a convention of mortgage brokers? (I must track down a mortgage broker and ask them...)

From Schubert to Shoes

Well, I had quite an eclectic weekend just past. It was started off with a trip to the RSNO Symphonies at Six at the Usher Hall. How highbrow! Well, good ol' 5pm.co.uk came through with another good offer and I thought "Why not?" I don't think it was a special offer actually but I would never have found out about the concert if 5pm hadn't emailed me so Bravo to them. The programme was supposed to be Brahms Symphony No. 1 followed by Schubert Fantasia D940 in F minor (piano duet) but there was a slight hitch... 12 of the orchestra were stuck on a train somewhere between Glasgow and Edinburgh. D'oh! Luckily they were on their way so we had the piano duet first, or movement for four hands as it was charmingly called. It's a very lovely piece of music in my opinion and Louise and I were quite taken with the French dude (Frank Braley) who accompanied the conductor (Stephane Deneve). Bruce was less impressed, though I suspect this is because he was jealous of his crown of foppish French hair ;oP

Then the rest of the orchestra had turned up and they could get on with the Brahms. Huzzah! There we were, enjoying the symphony and I happened to notice one of the violinists on the right hand side ducking out of a door. I don't know if it's coincidence or not but a few moments later the fire alarm went off and we all had to evacuate the building. Blimey! More bad luck. Well, not for me actually because I needed to see a man about a dog and took the opportunity to nip into the Trav bar. They did finish the concert after that, but about half the audience had beggared off in the interim. Needless to say the audience got one of the biggest rounds of applause I've ever heard at the end - mostly I think for managing to get to the end of the concert. Again, bravo to them and I'll definitely be back for their next Symphony at Six in December. That is supposed to be an Elgar cello concerto, Nielsen Symphony No. 4 and Bach solo cello suite no 3 in C major. Ooh! Can't wait!

After the symphony we met up with Craig and headed to Phenecia for dinner. Oh burpalicious my friends! Love that place! We had hummus and pitta to start and then I had the sunshine chicken. Yum yum yum yum yum. After dinner, as an antidote to all that highbrow culture stuff, a bit of Russ Mayer was the order of the day. I picked up a copy of 'Up' a few months ago for cheap in Fopp and we thought we'd give that a go. My goodness me! I perhaps should have read the back more carefully, but I doubt that would have helped. Nowhere on the box did it mention that the film starts with Hitler being sodomised by a bloke dressed as a pilgrim father. Then Mr Hitler gets eaten by a pirhana fish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Got to love it! That's the start of a big tits and shagging and nonsense fest in the best traditions of Mr Mayer. It was ace!

On Saturday I finally gave in to the little voice inside me that's been telling me to put a bit more in the dressing up box. I was in Cameron Toll and before I knew it I was in New Look and at the till with my ruby slippers (see picture). Oh man! They are fantastic. I love them! They were quite cheap and, once I pick up a pair of stripey tights, I'm sorted for any future fancy dress parties I may be invited to. I can definitely justify the purchase that way ;o) They are just wonderful though and I will probably wear them out to a few Xmas nights out. I want to wear them to work just now though! Sigh.

Saturday evening was my old boss' fireworks do down at Bankton House. There was a huge bonfire, Crombie's sausages aplenty, mulled cider and a spectacular (for somebody's back garden anyway) fireworks display with accompanying music. Apparently Yvette's husband had been on a fireworks safety course this year, so that was reassuring. I'm not sure exactly what that means but one would hope it means you get access to bigger fireworks! The display was great though and the smell of bonfire only stayed in my hair for about 2 days afterwards. The mulled cider caught up with me on Sunday though and most of the day was spent in the company of Buffy and the Scooby gang. I'm on season 3 at the moment and I'm getting quite impatient as my Angel box set arrived last week and I'm itching to start watching those. I'm going to try and do it properly though and maybe watch it in tandem with season 4 of Buffy. Or I may just go 'Feck it!' and run off on a big Angel binge. Watch this space....

Kicks Andrew Lloyd Webber's Ass!

So Halloween eh? Spookiness abounds and trickle treaters run around trying to get something for nothing (Humph! They were guisers in my day. Earn your sweeties!) . I had no spooky plans for Tuesday until a pair of tickets for a showing of the 1925 silent movie version of The Phantom of the Opera came my way. The film was being shown in the Usher Hall with full organ accompaniment.

Now, I've never seen the ALW version on the stage (Icky! Ptooey!) but I did see the dreadful movie version of that the other year and I've read Masquerade by Terry Pratchett so I am familiar with the story. Somehow this version made more sense though, because it was pointed out that the Phantom was in fact an insane escaped criminal called Erik. Aaaaah! Now the motive becomes clear - he's a flipping loony. Trying to make the Phantom a sympathetic character is a big mistake in my opinion. Psychotic evil git - I can buy that. Christine was still an idiot though and her boyfriend was called Raoul. I just kept thinking "Heeeey laydeeez!"

http://www.oh-yeah.co.uk/

If you're not familiar with that one check out the web site. Raoul can dance like panther!!

Anyway, back to the Phantom...

I'm not sure how tongue-in-cheek the movie was when it was first released but there was more chuckling in the aisles that screaming. I suppose this could be because the silent movie genre has been around long enough to seem cheesy now. Apart from that it was still very enjoyable. Good ol' Lon Chaney (pictured) was suitably spooky but for the first part of the movie the Phantom was just shown in silouhette. It seemed like Christine was being coached by Orson Welles!

Right, I'm off to laugh at Raoul dancing like a panther... or maybe he will dive for me :o)

Something For The Weekend?

Not a bad weekend as far as weekends go. It was looking a bit dodgy at the beginning though. I'd had a pish day at work, my plans for Friday evening had fallen through, my heating was broken, my landline was jiggered and the smoke alarm started beebing for a new battery. Oh Lordy! I had no step ladder to get up there and the tried and tested method of bashing it with a golfing umbrella just seemed to be making it worse. I had to flee the flat and luckily I got the offer of a safe haven with heat and pizza and, as it turned out, Tenacious D. Whooopee! What more could a girl ask for? After having sampled some of their adventures (esp. the one with the shite worshipping cult who grow huge potatoes!) I'm even more looking forward to the Tenacious D movie. Hoorah!

On Saturday I bought myself a stepladder in order to tackle the smoke alarm. No more beepy little bastard. Great. Now I just need to remember to buy a replacement battery. Worry not though, it's also connected to the mains so if I burn the toast I'll still be disturbing the neighbours. Excellent.

The highlight of the weekend was The Divine Comedy at the Liquid Rooms on Sunday evening. Loooooove The Divine Comedy! Barbara and I got in just in time to see the end of the support band and got a good spot on the balcony for the bulk of the gig. He played a few from the new album, which I'd heard for the first time just before we left the flat. 'Lady of a Certain Age' is particularly fine. He also played a lot of the old favourites too. Not the Father Ted theme tune but they did do 'Something For The Weekend' and it was fabulous.

Barbara made me hang around afterwards to try and get Neil Hannon's autograph because she's met him before and kissed him after a gig about 10 years ago. Well, it was peeing with rain and for the longest time it seemed to be only me and Barbara hanging about outside. Then a nice young man who'd apparently driven over the Forth Road Bridge joined us to wait. Finally, after about 45 minutes, we spied Mr Hannon lugging an equipment case onto the tour bus. Oh joy! We were just about to leave. We scuttled over and said hello and I have to say he was absolutely charming. Barbara got another kiss but was quite jealous because she got one on the cheek and I got one on the lips. Yeeeep! Silly I know but I had a big grin on my face for about half an hour afterwards. He's a lovely chap and was very gracious to the 5 eejits who had hung about in the rain to talk to him (a drunk girl and her boyfriend turned up too). What a lovely bloke, though a little on the short side. Oh well, pobody's nerfect!

Hello Buffy My Old Friend....

It's good to see you kicking ass again.....

This weekend I rediscovered my love of Buffy... and Angel... and Spike. Mmm, Spike! (Any excuse for a pic!) My beautiful Buffy DVD box set has finally come back to me after being on loan for about 2 years and it caught my eye on Saturday while I was contemplating what to have with my coffee and square sausage roll. Needless to say, that was Saturday afternoon gone! I'm planning to work my way through seasons 1 to 7 and watch all the extras and the episodes with commentaries. That should keep me busy until Christmas and by then I might have got the Angel box set and that'd keep me out of mischief until Spring. Hoorah! Joss Whedon-licious baby!

Coincidentally I also came back to Jackie Chan and Kung Fu movies this weekend, oh how I love all things butt-kicky! I was Craig sitting on Saturday evening (while Louise made risotto and played Scrabble with Zoe. Pah!) and we watched Drunken Master. Ho ho ho, the dubbing on my copy is priceless. It adds a whole extra dimension of silliness. I really hope he didn't go home and start fighting the cat though!

After Drunken Master we had a crack at Shogun Assassin, which I've had lying around for ages and have never got round to watching. It's pretty darn good too. One of those movies where the blood shed is just Itchy & Scratchy comical. I was thoroughly enjoying it until the disc started going a bit dodgy. Gah! It was so dodgy that I completely missed the big set piece at the end where the Shogun Assasin slices and dices his way through what is left of the Shogun's ninjas. Double gah! I got a teaser of what I missed from the trailer but I'm going to have to catch up with it properly at some point.

That set me up nicely for the double bill at the Cameo on Sunday afternoon though - Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2. Quentin Tarantino has always said that they were 2 parts of one movie so when I got the chance to see them both on the big screen, for the measly sum of £5 no less, I was delighted. I still think Kill Bill 1 is one of the frickin' coolest things I've ever seen in my life. Everything from the butt-kicking to the sets to the soundtrack just oozes cool. Volume 2 is a lot slower compared to that so I can see how some people would be disappointed but I'm too easily pleased to moan about that too much. The final showdown between the Bride and Bill was nicely understated I thought. Not what you were expecting at all. Bravo Quentin!

Then Sci-Fi Sunday came about. Haggis, neeps, tatties and Battlestar Galactica. Nice! Kirsi and I only have 2 episodes of season 2 left to watch and hot dang! It's exciting stuff! I have to wait 2 weeks to find out what happens though cos I'm off to see The Divine Comedy at the Liquid Rooms next Sunday. Yay, but at the same time, phooey!

Learn Something New Every Day....

Montezuma's Revenge

Meaning

The diarrhea (also spelled diarrhoea) that is suffered by tourists when travelling to foreign parts, in this case Mexico.

Origin

Montezuma was Emperor of Mexico, 1502-20.

The sickness, more formally called "traveller's diarrhea", is usually caused by drinking unsterilised water or eating spicy food that visitors aren't accustomed to. It is a bacteriological illness, always uncomfortable, and occasionally serious. Most cases are caused by the enterotoxigenic E. coli bacterium.

The 'revenge' element of the phrase alludes to countries that were previously colonized by stronger countries and are now, in this small way, getting their own back.

Names for it vary depending on the part of the world concerned. These usually have comic names, which reflect the embarrassment felt by the sufferer and the amusement in the lucky non-sufferers. Montezuma's Revenge is also known as the Gringo Gallop and the Aztec Two-step.

Those unlucky enough to suffer from it in Asia will hear it called Ghandi's Revenge, Gyppy Tummy, Delhi Belly, the Rangoon Runs, Tokyo Trots etc.

"Gyppy Tummy" goes back to at least the Second World War, but "Montezuma's Revenge" isn't particularly old. The earliest citation of it in print is from the Washington Post, Jan 1960:

"‘Wasn't there anything you didn't like?’ and they admit that, like most Americans, they suffered a three-day gastric upset described by a variety of names, names like the Gringo Gallop and Montezuma's Revenge.

Or for the geeks out there:

Montezuma's Revenge is one of first platform games, an action game combining treasure hunting, multiple rooms, and puzzle solving.

I thought a picture of that was a safer bet!!

Choccie choc chocolate!

So what have I been up to recently? Not very much to be honest, sorry to disappoint. The baptism of fire in the new job and the cold weather have increased my desire to hibernate to almost ridiculous proportions. Bears have got the right idea, they sleep through the winter and intentionally make their asses fat. A fat ass on a bear is a very desirable thing. And they poop in the woods. I'm not sure what that has to do with things but I got to mention poop :o)

Ooh, apparently it's chocolate week this week. Hoorah! Get scoffing. You can now get dark chocolate Kitkats (Nestle. Boo! Why do they make the tasty stuff?) and dark chocolate flakes now. Mind you, Cadbury's can give you food poisoning now can't it? Best just stick to the Green & Black's dark chocolate with whole cherries. Yumsle!

http://www.chocolate-week.co.uk/

Here's a nice bit of trivia from the site:

1519 is probably the most crucial moment in the history of chocolate when HERNAN CORTES - Spanish explorer and one of Columbus' ambassadors met Montezuma in Tenochtitlan the capital of. Montezuma was the flamboyant Aztec Emperor. His name has become immortalised for the vast quantities of foaming 'xoco latl' he used to drink before visiting his harem of wives - this started the legend of chocolate and sex! Chocolate was Montezuma's Viagra!

Hoorah! So what's Montezuma's revenge then? Not something pleasant I do believe. Must go and Goooogle it.

I saw the future.... and it was shite!

Hiya folks

Man, I had a bad day yesterday. One of those quietly trying to weep in the toilet but everyone notices the puffy eyes days. Sigh. I hate those. It's because the last few weeks in the new job have been so mental and almost overwhelming. I hate not knowing what I'm doing and there seems to have been an awful lot of stuff to do that I don't know how to do... if you get what I mean. It's certainly been a baptism of fire in the new job anyway. The couple of days I had off with Andy were blissful but when I got back to the office there was so much to do and it all had to be done NOW NOW NOW. Waily! No wonder I had a bit of a wobbly moment!

Sigh. Good ol' Ewen (who's been groomed and no longer looks like Peter Jackson, boo!) took me out for a pint after work and we had a good ol' bitch about the whole thing though. Then I took meself home and parked under the duvet for movie viewing. I had been speaking to Ewen about Brazil and my hankering to watch it again earlier so it seemed the logical choice.

Now, some of you may know I watched Brazil when I was about 16 and it blew my brain. Scared the bejesus out of me as well, and I wasn't quite sure why. I think it's because I glimpsed my future and it wasn't pretty. Not that I'd run around being an idiot and chasing some piece of skirt but the whole administrative cock-up aspect to the film was somehow familiar. I've felt like the one that puts in the little extra effort to get something done and look where it gets you - strapped to a chair and being tortured! Yikes! It's the whole 'computer says no' culture that seems to have grown up in the world today. Aaaaargh! Perhaps administration has been an invention of the Devil to hamper humanity? There's something in that....

Oh, just don't get me started on the state of the world today. I don't feel like foaming at the mouth at the minute.

Well, I think I'm off to see the Ron Mueck exhibition this evening. Art and cocktails, how civilised! That'll cheer me up :o)

New road signs released by Highways Agency

Gotta love the nonsense! The Uni's been keeping me stupidly busy with rotten work but these did make me chuckle. Irish Andy's been visiting as well so I've been kept busy with rolling joints, making cups of tea and... other such taxing activities ;0)

We managed to plough through the whole of season 1 of Lost so now I'm wondering if I can squeeze in another viewing of season 2 before the excitement of season 3 starting on American TV. Oh it's so brilliantly crazy! Can't wait!!

More soon. Hopefully these fecking students will be all settled in and stop bothering me soon. Little barstewards!! Gah.

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream....

Hello fans

I hope you all had a good weekend. There was a bank holiday here in sunny Scotland so I had a nice looooong weekend. Huzzah! And what did I do with my weekend? For the most part I slept and slept and slept and then slept some more. I haven't been feeling particularly sleep deprived but I guess I must have needed it. I do love my bed though. Mmmm! There's nowhere finer than my cosy beddy-byes. Love it! I love pulling the duvet back up over my ear and muttering "Just another 5 minutes, honest..."

In a salute to the wonder of snuggly beds here are some bed/sleep facts for you. Enjoy :o)

The continuous brain recordings that led to the discovery of REM (rapid eye-movement) sleep were not done until 1953, partly because the scientists involved were concerned about wasting paper.

Certain types of eye movements during REM sleep correspond to specific movements in dreams, suggesting at least part of the dreaming process is analagous to watching a film

Scientists have not been able to explain a 1998 study showing a bright light shone on the backs of human knees can reset the brain's sleep-wake clock

Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

From http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm

When the Pilgrims arrived in the Western hemisphere, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from. This was also the origin of the "daybed" which didn't have ropes that needed tightening. Rather than having to retighten a bed after a nap, people slept on "daybeds" if they needed to doze.

The Great Bed of Ware is on display at the Victoria and Albert Museum. It originally measured 18 feet six inches wide by 12 feet long and was elaborately carved and canopied. And could accommodate 68 people.

Louis XIV was fond of remaining in bed. He often held court in the royal bedroom. He owned 413 beds and displayed a special liking for the ultra spacious and ostentatious variety.

Baps, Bloomers and Bahrain

It's been absolutely chucking it down today so, despite working only 5 minutes away from my flat, I decided not to go home for lunch today. I got a big roll from the DHT shop and read the Metro in the office. After I'd finished the Metro I decided to have a bit of a scrint on the tinterweb and decided to see what Wikpedia had to say about Bahrain.

Mostly it was things about the history and the geography and the economy, all the usual stuff. The Politics section was quite interesting as well, and the partucular passage that caught my eye was this one:

"The opening up of politics has seen big gains for both Shīˤa and Sunnī Islamists in elections, which has given them a parliamentary platform to pursue their policies. This has meant that what are termed "morality issues" have moved further up the political agenda with parties launching campaigns to impose bans on female mannequins displaying lingerie in shop windows, sorcery and the hanging of underwear on washing lines."

I know politicians usually don't like to air their dirty laundry in public but surely putting a ban on clean laundry as well is taking it a bit too far???

"Seeya Idiots!" - Lady Nat Nat is Offski

Last night was Lady Natale of Glegcairn's (I think that's her official title, her mum bought her it) last evening in Edinburgh so we had a few wee drinkie-poos to wish her well.

Natnat's off to Saudi to work for Aramco and earn ooodles and oooodles of cash, tax free. Lucky minx! Saudi isn't everyone's ideal destination but Nat's very lucky to have her mum living not far away in Bahrain so if she gets a craving for a bacon sandwich or a beer or a bikini she can nip over and see dear old mama. Don't let her mother hear me calling her that though - she's not old in any way, shape or form and I'd love to go and visit so I'll say she's a fine looking woman who must regularly be mistaken for Nat's sister ;o)

I'm going to miss dear Nat but she's only going to be on the end of a telephone or an email and we used to have such a giggle IM-ing each other at BT I'm sure we'll pick up with that again once she's settled in. Then I'll go and visit, I hear the shopping in Bahrain is great. Mmm, shoooooes! And I'm definitely insisting on being taken to Fuddruckers, or at least Fudds to Go. Heh heh heh.

See a picture of the beauteous Nat here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/tiggermadbabe/183232260/in/set-72157594180411971/

The above statement will make sense then!

More Fecking Festival

Oh God! Will it ever end?? Bored now by the way. Will all these feckers just LEAVE now please?

Like the fecker that ruined my morning. I'm not the best in the morning, I usually don't like talking to people I know until I've had my first coffee, so complete strangers talking to me before that point is most unsettling. I'd just got off the bus (I hate busses) at Elm Row and some bloody twit asked me if I knew the way to Amarillo. Excuse me? I'm wearing a suit jacket and a scowl. Do I look like I bloody well know the way to fecking Amarillo??? I didn't actually tell them to f*ck off but that was the subtext of my reply. Jesus!

And the film festival has started this week as well. Whoopee! I only just found out that my Cineworld pass entitles me to half price tickets but I fear it is too late. I don't want to leave my flat until September.

I did see a good film on Wednesday but it was nothing to do with the Festival. The new M. Knight Shallamallamadingdong movie - Lady in the Water. It's not a 'horror' like his other films, more like a fairy tale, but there are still plenty of bits that make you jump. I read the review of it in Heat magazine (Don't ask. I'm ashamed of myself!) and was gobsmacked that they had to qualify that it was a fairy tale in the review. It said something along the lines of "If you're willing to accept that monsters could exist then you'll like this movie." Oh my God! Why do they have to qualify the willing suspension of disbelief aspect? I despair sometimes. It's a film about a lady that lives in a swimming pool for Bob's sake.

Gah!

Ho hum. The Festival will be over soon and hopefully I can stop being so tetchy.

Despite my tetchiness I scored free tickets to a show last night - A comedy guitar trio called Ole (see picture). They were excellent. Absolutely excellent guitar players who throw slapstick, special effects and juggling into their act. Check out the clip of them I found online:

http://tvtotal.prosieben.de/components/videoplayer/0576/0576-00-04-wm_midband.html

They are brilliant. I may look out for them next year.

Well, that's enough for just now. TFI Friday by the way. The weather outside is horrible, it's misty and rainy so I think an evening in with Mr DVD player is in order. Mmm. It seems ridiculous to be wrapped in a duvet on your couch in August but I think it may come to that. Ah nice....

Overheard Festival Conversations No. 23
“He said he’d sucked off a horse….”

Unfortunately, that was the conversation I was involved in and the person that overheard it was the poor chap collecting glasses at the Udderbelly. Ok, I’ll explain... eventually ;oP

It’s begun again. Overnight the city of Edinburgh has gone mad. Sometime between me going home from work and venturing out again on Friday night a load of loonies snuck into town. I was idly looking out of my kitchen window while doing the dishes and noted the passing of, among others, a tall, skinny, scraggly-bearded man toting a six-foot long brass wind instrument and a lady wearing 3 hats. I wonder how many other kitchen windows in how many other cities you can hope to see such a sight from?

Well, they do say “When in Rome…” and having studied the Roman Empire at University I know that when the Romans came to town everyone flipping well did what the Romans did then too. So, with that spirit in mind, Emily and I had our annual day of Festival Fun. Hoorah!

As per usual we started our day with a bit of culture, caffeine and croissants courtesy of Shakespeare For Breakfast with their production of Taming of the Shrew: The Panto. The clue is in the name. Highbrow this aint by the way! They take one main Shakespeare play, throw in a few other Shakespearean characters, chuck in a bit of popular culture, jiggle it around and shoogle until very, very silly indeed. And you get a cup of coffee and a croissant thrown in. Bonus! I was very jealous of Petrucio’s outrrrrrageeowse Italian accent and pleasantly surprised that they managed to get a joke about fisting in at 10:30 in the morning. Good on them!

After trekking down to Princes Street and picking up a yummy and healthsome salad box from Henderson’s (my, how virtuous. Cancels out all the cider I had later – honest!) we ventured £3 on the Exeter University production of Twelfth Night. I’m happy to report that it was well worth £3 of anybody’s money. The lassie playing Mariah was very annoying and Olivia looked a bit too much like Buffy (she didn’t kick anyone’s butts. Boo! Rubbish!) but the rest of the cast did very well. Sir Toby Belch and Andrew Aguecheek were marvellous drunks and Malvolio was splendidly pompous and disturbing. And this production was only an hour long. Whoopee! I couldn’t have taken much more of that Mariah actually. It seemed a fitting punishment for Sir Toby to end up married to her, and for her to be married to him in the end. Hooray for Shakespeare!

Can you tell I was having a good day? Too! Many! Exclamation! Marks! Somebody! Stop! Me!!!!!

A pint of cider in the sun later and we’d taken a chance on a show that was starting at the right time in the right place. These chaps apparently wrote for Radio 4 and Dead Ringers so it seemed like a fairly safe bet, and guess what? They were. Laurence and Gus: Next in Line is sort of kind of based on the idea that everyone in the world is in a queue and the stories move from one person to the next in a sort of “comedy relay.” That’s the words from the flyer, not mine by the way. It was a very entertaining show which made me chuckle, guffaw, snort, titter and sigh. Marvelous.

Well, we were having a very good day and it got even better when we managed to score 2 for 1 tickets to see The Caesar Twins. I’ve had this show recommended to me by a couple of people so I was really looking forward to seeing it. Emily and I nipped back to my flat for a dinner of bread, cheese, antipasto, grapes and olives. Yummy yum yum yum is all I have to say about that. Then it was back to The Pleasance to check out these acrobatic twins with the strange looking poster that reminds me of that bit in Barbarella when she’s puffing away on “Essence of Man.” Hmm, not sure what to expect here…

Oh My God! This show was amazing! Sorry, the exclamation marks are back but, believe me, they are needed here. I still can’t quite believe how much I enjoyed that show. I could have watched those guys for hours! Their show consists of acrobatics, amazing contortions, music, video clips, humour and a big see-through bath full of water. It was all fantastic but some of the highlights were the upside down bicycle, the shadow play, live Tekken and their female companion doing a contortionist routine that still has my mind boggling!

I definitely had 2 absolute favourite bits of the show though. The first one involved one of the twins wearing a flowing white costume with a nifty harness that allowed him to spin through all degrees while suspended from the ceiling on both sides by big rubber bands. Much the same principle as those bungee things they set up on Waverley Market for kids at Hogmanay and the like. It was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things I’ve every seen in my life. It may have been the sun or the cider or hormones or whatever but it was so lovely I could have watched that all night. The poor guy would probably have got very dizzy and thrown up though.

The other bit that I adored was the finale of the show when they perform a routine that involves a large, round Perspex tank. This is the bit you’ve been waiting for, it’s the picture on the poster – what on Earth could they be about to do? I’ll tell you what they do… they get soaking wet and that was when I just lost it. Ever since I saw my first Jackie Chan movie I’ve liked seeing a well muscled man and when you get one of those wet… Hummanah hummanah!! Sorry everyone but this is where brain stops to admire the view….

……

……

Mmmmm. Got that one stored away for future reference. Cor blimey guvnor! Oh, and they did lots more wet acrobatics if you really need to know.

What’s that? Eh? Oh yes, I almost forgot – sucking off a horse. You’ll be wanting to know about that won’t you? There’s a big purple inflatable cow lying on its back in Bristo Square. It’s a venue of course, silly, what else would it be? Emily and I met up with Louise, Craig, Bruce and Suth for a drink by this big purple cow, which is known as the Udderbelly (It’s a pune, or play on words). The Duffs and Suth had been to see the comedian Brendan Burns and a disagreement as to the content of the act was in progress. The bloke collecting glasses happened to pass our table at that time. I like to think it was one of the most random things he’d overheard while doing the rounds that evening but I somehow doubt it was the strangest.

Just About the Classiest Web Site I've Ever Seen!

http://www.bombaysapphire.com