Ugh. It's that time of year again. Dammit! You just get over the horror of the 'Festive' period and then frickin' Valentine's Day gets shoved in your face.

Why do we do it to ourselves?

I saw a poll on MSN today that inspired me to blog. Maybe these results come from the fact that most people are more ready to complain than say positive things but c'mon - look at the figures people!

Question
Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Are you looking forward to it?

1. Yes! I love a good spoiling with flowers and a meal out
17%

2. Yes, it's an excuse to go out on the pull.
4%

3. No, it puts pressure on couples to have a great time and is a commercial con
38%

4. No, I'm single and it just reminds me of that
41%

13049 responses, not scientifically valid.

Ok. What I want to know is of the 41% who are single and pathetic (I can judge because I've hated Valentine's Day even when I've been in a couple. I'm an option 3 person myself) how many of those would go for option 1 if you asked them again? A depressingly large proportion I reckon.

I do feel like King Lear screaming into the storm here.

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow!

Yup, VD tends to make me rage and blow. If anyone wants me I'll be hiding under the duvet....

Um, Stating The Obvious...

Oh, I do like the adverts you get down the side of Facebook. There's a high likelihood that the fabulous competition I just won was spotted down the right hand side of Facebook. A weekend in Cork is not to be sniffed at!

Sometimes though, their only value is in amusing me. Here's one I spotted today:

"Sick of the elliptical? This method helps you get fit, fast. Try my two step method for losing weight at home for free. Start today."

Two step method for losing weight eh? Is it something revolutionary like eat less and exercise more???

Of course, that's too much common sense for today's society. This is some kind of miracle green tea. To be honest that's as far as I got because I can't be bothered reading the rest of the insipid blurb.

And what is the elliptical? The elliptical shape of your body? Or is it some kind of gym device that I am unaware of? Answers on the back of a cream bun please.

Phishing Goes Full Circle

Hey everybody, this is apparently my 150th post. Woo! Go me! Where's my cake?

Anyhoo, clearing the spam out of my work in box this morning I found the email below. This oviously is some kind of phishing scam but look at what they're hiding behind! It's not about Mr Nndoogoo's hidden millions on the Ivory Coast for once.

"Subject: Greetings FromThe Desk Mrs Mzamber Farida Waziri(Efcc).........

From The Office Of The Executive Chairman ( Economic And Financial Crime Commission ) Chief Mrs. Farida Mzamber Waziri (AIG rtd.)

Attn:
Due to the meeting held last week by the Presidency, We were meant to understand that foreigners have been defrauded of their Hard earned monies by our lawless citizens. The President of the Federal Republic Of Nigeira ( President Umaru Yar Dua) alongside the United Nations has set aside Funds to be paid to ( SCAM VICTIMS ) as a compensation for their lost. Some group of fraudulent citizens where aprehended by this office on an interogation to find out that you had been defrauded by this crooks. These has been tanishing the image of our Government.

We were also meant to understand that on your transaction with this impostor, you were defrauded of your hard earned funds.You are advise to get back to this office for a payment advise which has been set aside for you as a COMPENSATION to retain the good image of this country.
As a result of this,You are entittled to a compensation of us$980.000.00 United State Dollars.A cheque has been issued in your favour. You are to send down the following information in other for us to send your cheque direct to you:

1.Your Full Name as it is written on your driver lincense, international passport of identity card 2.Your Direct Telephone Number for prompt communication 3.And your full contact address.Upon the receipt of this mail, you are advise to send down the above mention informations.

Your's in Service,
Chief Mrs. Farida Mzamber Waziri (AIG rtd.)"

So, the scammers are now pretending to offer compensation to those who have been the victims of email scam in the first place. Who falls for this stuff? If you were the victim of an email scam and were scammed again in the same fashion you'd just give up and go live in a cave wouldn't you? Well, that would be the sensible thing to do but if you've already fallen for 2 email scams then can the word sensible be applied to you?

Oh, and apparently Jim Dale's boy is trying to scam me too. I guess the royalties from all those Carry On films must have dried up? Or maybe poppa cut him out of the will for making the "Stick that in the capstan" joke one too many times over the dinner table? Little shitebag seems to consider Scotland a foreign country though...

From: James Dale Jr.
Private Email: jjames.dalejr01@live.com
Tel: +44 702 402 2665
Subject: Inheritance Fund
Date: JAN. 26th, 2009.

Hello,

I apologize if the contents hereunder are contrary to your moral ethics, but please treat it with absolute secrecy and personal courtesy. I am James Dale Jr. an Auditor in a commercial Bank here in London UK, in the process of auditing our bank accounts for the first quarter of the year, I recently discovered that there was a dormant account valued at the sum Ј7,394,890.00 (Seven Million, three hundred and ninety four thousand, eight hundred and ninety British Pounds Sterling) and after due verification of this account I discovered that the account owner is late. That is why the account has been dormant and as such the funds are lying unclaimed in the bank.

The idea of presenting a foreigner to act as his next of kin came into my mind so as to have the total sum of Ј7,394,890.00 being transferred and willed to you and we can both disburse the fund according to the percentage we will agree upon.

In view of this, I am seeking for your co-operation and understanding to stand as the next of kin to our deceased customer, to enable us claim the fund from my bank. Hence, if this proposal is OK by you and you do not wish to take undue advantage of my trust. Please kindly get back to me immediately, strictly via my private email address only: jjames.dalejr01@live.com to enable me enlighten you on how we are to proceed.

On getting your response, we shall agree on the percentage ratio on how the funds shall be splitted between ourselves, as I intend to invest part of our own share in real estate or any lucrative business in your country, and I would appreciate if you can put me in the right part where I can invest my own share.

Be rest assured that this business is 100% risk free.
I await for your prompt response.

Best Regards,
James Dale Jr.

NB: PLEASE NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE NOT RELATED TO MY LATE CLIENT OR NOT; THE FUND WILL STILL BE PAID TO YOU, SINCE I AM PRESENTING YOU AS HIS NEXT OF KIN.

And also presenting me as a foreigner it would seem. Maybe I should practice? Ahem hem... Good moaning, I was joost pissing by the weendow....

I should be more like this guy, he cracks me up!

http://imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com/2008/10/fun-with-spam.html

http://imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com/2008/11/fun-with-spam.html

http://imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com/2008/12/fun-with-spam.html

Raining On My Parade Man!

Ok, so what is it with my friends the last two days? Whenever I've tried to share something cute and funny with them somebody seems to throw a spanner in the works.

First of all I was discussing the email which the picture above came from with a friend. This email is a dozen or so pictures of a very cute kitten and a budgie hanging out together. My friend started going on about how the kitten would get to a point where he didn't realise he couldn't play with the budgie and he'd accidentally swipe its head off or something. WTF? Where did that come from? Can't you just go "Aaaaargh! Teh cuteness!" and move on?

Then there's Brocolli Kitten. This is a video of a crazy little kitten that goes absolutely nuts for brocolli, which is highly unusual for a cat methinks. Anyway, the owner is holding the little kitty up while he chomps his way through a brocolli florette he's got clutched between his little front paws. The noises on the video are the best bit, he's going absolutely bananas over this piece of greenery. I posted this on a friend's wall on Facebook because she was needing cheered up (the same friend with the pessimistic view of the budgie's chances BTW) and another mutual acquaintance commented "Put down the kitten and let it eat! What's wrong with these people!!!" Um, think you entirely missed that it would be so much less cute and funny if they weren't holding him like that. I know for a fact the woman in the video fosters kitties all the time and is very kind to them as well.

And then I found this lol on Pundit Kitchen, which amused me greatly. I posted that on my Facebook wall and a couple of people made comments on it in the spirit of the thing. Then came this comment from yet another friend:

"First I laughed, then I grew super uneasy. I think memories of that puppy throwing video are too strong. Sad."

What? Where? Who? How? Why? What? Huh? Where did that come from? Sure, Nazis aren't the most hilarious of things but this is implying that these guys are about to get taken out by a cute little kitten, who will then escape across a river with a bag on Nazi gold and Hitler's favourite stapler, laughing all the way (Yeah, it's fun in my brain!) Plus (in the manner of Austin Powers) who throws a puppy?

Obviously there are some sick people out there who probably think it would be a lark to throw a puppy about, and even worse that it would be cool to post a video of yourself doing this on the internet. All's I can say about that is I'm glad I've never seen it and whoever did it should be rounded up and thoroughly killed for the good of humanity.

I'm sad that my attempts at bringing joy to my friends have backfired so much and I'm surprised more than one of them seems to be so pessemistic at the moment. Is it because it was Blue Monday this week? That's a possiblility, but all the more reason to enjoy the cute in my opinion. Are they suffering from SAD? Is it the Credit Crunch? What's going on? C'mon folks, lighten up!

Overbearing Mothers

Pardon me while I vent becuase man, I need it!

Oh. My. God. I spent 20 minutes on the phone this afternoon with the mother of a prospective student. That's PROSPECTIVE, as in not even decided if he's going to apply to the uni yet! This is the third frickin time I've been on the phone with her as well, and she only called because I took two days to answer her frickin email and she couldn't check it today because her computer was on the blink.

The beeyotch took up 20 minutes of my time asking questions about things I will be telling her son when he comes to visit. Well, she said her son is coming to visit the university but I get the impression he's going to be dragged around it behind her unwillingly muttering "Aw mum!" under his breath while she lives vicariously through him.

Ugh. They're due to visit on the 16th of February and apparently 'he' will be coming to speak to me. She said "And you will be there on the 16th won't you?"
I replied "Barring any unforeseen circumstances, yes." Loosely translated as "Eff off you incredibly irritating woman, I'm taking a sickie that day! You won't miss me though because I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU EVERYTHING! Oh, and it would have been easier to explain everything to you/your son in person but you couldn't freaking wait that long could you? You annoying cow!"

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Take note my maternally inclined friends - Never, ever become this woman or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. You have been warned. Be more like this woman instead.

On a lighter note, check out The Museum of Depressionist Art. The collection includes such gems as Whistler's Overbearing Mother (above), Young Girl With A Noose by Vermineer and Under The Waterlillies by Moanet (see what they did there?)

It's cheering me up!

Splish Splash

My shower's been on the blink for about a fortnight. Well, not true. It's been on the blink for about 4 weeks but finally died a death about 10 days ago. Since then I've been having to outsource my ablutions. Thank goodness I have several alternatives!

I have been using the gym showers, and also working out more as a result. One day I turned up and there was a big sign on the changing room door saying there was no hot water. I almost wept! Luckily the problem with the hot water had been the day before and they just hadn't taken down the sign. Phew!

We also have showers in the basement at work so I had a shot of those yesterday morning. Wow! Because they're in the basement the water pressure is amazing! The water was lovely and hot as well. Cor! I haven't had a shower that good for years. What with the availability of data projectors I was seriously considering moving into one of the seminar rooms down there. I'd have amazing showers and home cinema....

Anyway, I've also had to try and find a plumber to install a new shower. Good grief, it's an anxiety making prospect! First of all I had to find ones that can fit electric showers, then I realised I had to make clear they were replacing an existing unit and not fitting a whole new one. I also have to worry that it might be complicated by the abundance of tiles in the bathroom and hope that whoever designed the shower cubicle wasn't an idiot. If it was the same guy that designed the kitchen I have grave doubts. Then you have to know what wattage the unit is and, unlike microwaves, it doesn't say on the outer casing. Luckily I phoned up Mira with the serial number and they could tell me right off. Fantastic! That decided me that I was buying another Mira shower anyway.

And on top of all that I'm a single female and probably ripe for a ripping off :o(

Well, I've got a guy coming tomorrow morning to hopefully fit the shower. He came recommended on Myworkman.co.uk so hopefully he'll be a nice, professional man who'll just do the job and not leave too much of a mess.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Addendum: It gets even more complicated. I just got this from one of the companies:

If you were to purchase an advanced model I would say that is would be a straight swap like for like. If you change to a different Mira shower some piping alterations behind the shower may be needed or a mounting plate may be needed. Not all shower even if they are the same brand have the pipe inlet in the same place this why I say some pipe work may be needed and materials.

Holy crapola! Mind you, my dude coming tomorrow checked that with the supplier - which further reassures me.

Sigh. If only I had a tropical waterfall to wash in....

Bananananananananananana Bread

I made banananananananananana bread again at the weekend and it turned out so well my colleagues begged me for the recipe. I realised that I've put the cookie recipe on here but not the banananananana bread one so here it is:

Ingredients
225g/8oz self-raising flour
100g/4oz butter
150g/5oz caster sugar
450g/1lb Fairtrade bananas (the softer the better), peeled and mashed
½ tsp salt
2 eggs
175g/6oz mixed dried fruit

Method
1. Pre-heat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.
2. Mix all the ingredients except the dried fruit together. You can do this in a food processor or by hand in a basin.
3. When they're all thoroughly mixed, add the dried fruit. Spoon the mixture into a 1kg/2lb non-stick loaf tin, spread it out evenly and bake it for one and a half hours. The loaf is done when a skewer pushed into its middle comes out clean.
4. Cool on a wire rack, then slice before serving.

I like to soak the mixed dried fruit in a bit of rum for a couple of hours or overnight. It adds extra moisture to the mix. Remember to let the loaf cool for a bit before you try to get it out of the tin though, the extra moisture means it has a tendency to fall to bits when still warm!

The Strawberries Are Ripening Fast...

Ok, so it's all been a bit negative here recently. I've been getting bogged down in being annoyed with idiocy and, quite frankly Mr Shankley, it gets on your tits after a while.

As it's Friday afternoon I thought I'd lighten the mood a bit and go back to what seems to be my other favourite blogging subject - Hot Men! Today's subject: Mark Strong.

Thanks go to MoJo for waking me up this morning with the following text: "You'll never sing the same if your teeth ain't your own..."

If you've seen Rock'N'Rolla this'll make sense, if you haven't then you should watch it - as long as you like Guy Ritchie movies. If you can't be doing with them I wouldn't bother, except to see how hot Mark Strong is... Phwooarr! He plays Archie, he of The Slap.

MoJo's text was prompted by our excitement over the prospect of Body of Lies. I wasn't fussed about seeing this movie. A corrupt cop crime thriller with Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe? Yaaawn! Then I saw the trailer again and spotted a familiar, and very handsome, face. Suddenly I'm all about going to see that movie. Yeah, ok. I'm shallow and easily led. What of it?

Anyway, Mark Strong also played Mr Knightley in a production of Emma and when he uttered the line "Mr Knightley invites you to taste his strawberries, for they are ripening fast..." I almost fell off the couch. It was the way he said it.... *wibble*

That is of course the reply I sent to MoJo's text. (Ok, so this has been a tedious insight into the random workings of our minds but isn't it better than another rant about stupid people? I think so.)

Ah, Mr Knightley - I'd love to sample your strawberries!

We're Doomed!

Ok, so work's really been annoying me lately. It's because we've got to that point in the term where students have to hand in essays. This means that the only student contact I really have is with those that can't work out how to read instructions or use a computer. Oh the joy!

Since I started working at the university I've become convinced that students are a lot more feckless than when I was an undergraduate. This could just be because I do only deal with the 'problem children' but I have seen evidence reported from various scientific studies that back my opinion up.

Here's the latest one. I found this in The Journal, the student paper at Edinburgh University. This is the bit that makes my heart sink into my (Duo) boots:

"Concerns over online journals and the value of university degrees has also coincided with research published at King’s College London, which argues that the intellectual abilities of Britain’s brightest teenagers have decreased rapidly over the past three decades.

Michael Shayer, professor of applied psychology, ran tests on 800 13-14 year-olds’ ability to think logically and analytically. In one of the tests, 24 per cent of the children from 1976 scored high marks, compared to just 11 per cent of teenagers today.

However, the research found a significant improvement in the performance of the average pupil.

Mr Shayer said: "Teachers are concentrating on giving the basic skills to more pupils, so the average ability goes up, but they fail to stretch the brightest, so the high-end ability falls."

So, the general population are getting more basic skills at school but those that go on to higher education are less capable of coping with it. Great! That's why I spend all my time dealing with kids that seem to have no common sense whatsoever.

My worry is Darwinian though. Where does this leave survival of the fittest? If one considers intelligence as a 'fit' characteristic of human beings (which I do).

My friends, this is more evidence to suggest that Idiocracy could be a highly accurate vision of the future.

Oh bugger.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Take No Notice

Rant incoming!!

It's Monday the 13th. Uuuurgh. This is even worse than Friday the 13th because at least then you've got the weekend to recover. This morning saw me sleep in (as usual) and then put my finger through a brand new pair of tights when getting dressed. Gah! I put on a second brand new pair of tights and discovered that by the time I'd got to work they had a hole in them. What's worse is that it was one of those holes that just got bigger and bigger and bigger the more you tried to do anything about it. I don't know if the hole was there already or if my boots caused it but whichever this is highly unfair. Is this the universe telling me to just give it up, wear scratchy thick wooly tights and start biting my nails? The defeatist in me that would have stayed in bed today purely because it's Monday the 13th would say yes, the rest of me says NO! I will paint my nails and I will wear sheer tights and I will have nice boots and I won't let the bastards grind me down!

Sigh.

Talking of bastards there's a fair few stupid ones out there, aren't there? My moan about students is not new - for the most part they seem to be utterly feckless and don't understand the concept of reading the instructions or actually looking for information. Not all students are like this, or I hope they aren't, but the ones I come into contact are and that tars all the rest of them with the same brush I'm afraid. It's so disheartening when you've tried to cover all the angles and make information accessible to them and still they come to you with the stupid questions. You want to say "You know why they call it a notice board? You're supposed to notice what's on it, dummy!!" Apparently they are not taught to think for themselves in school any more. Oh dear, just don't get me started or we'll be here all day. Sigh.

Anyway, fecklessness in the 'yound adults' of today I have come to expect. They're inexperienced and apparently barely prepared to go out into the world these days. It's when you see it in those that should know better that it really astounds me. Surely those born before 1980 were taught to look at noticeboards and signs to gather information about their environment? We didn't live in the litigation culture that seems to thrive today so if you fell into a hole that was surrounded by "Watch Out! Big Hole!" signs you had nobody to blame but yourself surely?

Since the new Informatics building has been open on campus I've noticed they use abseiling window-cleaners. Part of me hopes they're also leaving boxes of milk tray for unsuspecting admin assistants but I doubt the uni budget runs to that. They probably just clean windows while dangling from bits of rope. Fair enough. However, they do put out cones on the ground where they are working and signs that say 'Warning - Abseilers Working Above' or words to those effect. Anyway, they draw attention to the fact that there might very well be a bloke on a rope dangling above your head so it's probably not a good idea to walk on the bit of pavement that's been coned off. Entirely sensible in my opinion. What is not entirely sensible is the woman who looked like an academic in her mid-50s (certainly old enough to know better!) walking obliviously past the signs and through the coned off area! What. The. Eff? If people like her have given up on reading signs what hope have we got?

Oh, and talking of feckless - The boy on the till in Sainsbury's. Once I'd realised a second pair of tights had been ruined and I didn't have a spare I had to go and buy some more. Gah! I know Sainsbury's sold tights and I also knew they were behind the counter so I would have to ask for them. Oh how I hoped for a female cashier to be on. They would sympathise with me! Alas no, there was a boy behind the till. I went up and said "Hi, I need a pair of tights and they need to be large size please. What have you got?" Then he got all flustered just because I was asking for tights. He actually said "I'm maybe not the best person to ask about this." What? You're they guy standing behind the counter that has the tights behind it. All I'm asking you to do is read the flipping packets and give me some that are LARGE. Jesus! It seems it's too much to expect shop assistants to read labels these days. Feckless feckless feckless!

And then I got attacked by a wasp outside the shop. What the hell? It's October, why are there still wasps flying around?

I should have stayed in bed...

Yes he is...

It's The End Of The World As We Know It... NOT!

So, these scientists in Switzerland were supposed to be causing the end of the world this week. They were going to do this by spinning lots of stuff round in a colander or something, thus creating mini black holes that would suck us all into oblivion.

I for one was looking forward to this and am slightly disappointed to find myself still here.

I had three days off last week to try and collect my sanity before the start of term but they didn't really help. I spent most of the time sitting on my butt reading Jilly Cooper, ignoring the washing up and generally having a fine old time. Instead of rejuvenating and refreshing me the time off just threw into sharp relief how much work blows at the moment. Waking up on Monday morning was unbelievably awful and dragging my ass into the office was even worse. Sigh.

Next week is Freshers Week and if those scientists had managed to completely destroy the world I wouldn't have had to face the students coming back. That would have been sweeeeeet.

Mind you, if the world had ended I would not have got my new boots. I obviously wouldn't have been around to care though so it's not much consolation.

Still, I've not over-reacted as much as that poor lassie in India who committed suicide. I don't want to speak ill of the dead and it's a freaking tragedy but killing yourself seems to me to be one of the most stupid and futile responses to the end of the world possible. I mean really, WTF? That's like chucking paraffin on a chip pan fire.

More evidence that George Clooney should call me...

“I couldn’t do what Brad and Angie are doing. I wouldn’t have the patience or dedication you need to take care of a family. I admire those qualities in other people but it’s not for me. I’m doing exactly what I want to.” George Clooney admits he’s unlikely to ever become a father, while promoting his new film at the Venice Film Festival with good friend Brad Pitt, father of six children with Angelina Jolie.

Gorgeous gorgeous George, I don't like the little rug rats either. Let's talk. In fact, let's not talk. Talking is the last thing we should be doing. Well, maybe a little talking after all the other stuff...

George's reaction?



Dammit!

It Works On So Many Levels

More bad tattoos here

http://cityrag.blogs.com/main/2008/08/bad-tattoos-in.html

I'm... what's the word? Impressed by the under boob one as well.

Horses for Courses?

Well, after all that heady literary talk and stretching of my intellectual muscles I've discovered the deep joy of Jilly Cooper novels this week. Man, you get your money's worth with one of her books. I spent every spare waking moment for about five days reading Riders and thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it. What a book! "A great rollercoaster of a novel with a couple of hot gypsies thrown in?" Well it's non-stop action all the way through but there's only one gypsy.

The only trouble with reading Riders is that you get the feeling that instead of slogging away in nine to five dreariness you should be guzzling champagne and enjoying the heady and hectic lifestyle of those on the international show jumping circuit. It reinforced my opinion that I should be rich and idle, instead of just poor and idle. Sigh.

I found these smashing Prada boots when browsing all the shoes I can't afford on the Saks Fifth Avenue web site. They would be just the thing for rolling about in the hay with Rupert Campbell Black don'tcherthink?

And check out the back view. How ridiculously sexy does that look? Imagine standing there, purposefully whacking the riding crop against the leather of those boots and telling Rupert he performed abysmally in that last round and will have to be punished....

Gosh. I think I might have to go for a little lie down now.

Y' What?

I thought of several things I wanted to blog about this week (nutrition, war, language, etc.) but somehow never got around to any of it. Dang! Maybe I'll get around to my waffle next week. Hey ho.

So I thought while we were on the subject of good books I'd just share the book that I'm currently reading. I started it two days ago and it's one of those books you can't wait to get home and start reading. Oooh, I love those kinds of books!

The other night I was looking for something a bit more intellectually challenging than the excellently entertaining chick lit I've been gorging on recently. I had just finished re-reading Me and Mr Darcy by Alexandra Potter (Don't judge me! I'm a sucker for trashy chick lit and I love Jane Austen, the mother of all chick lit.) and wasn't in the mood for more happy ever after just at that point. A friend gave me this book for my birthday and I was immediately intrigued by the cover and the fact that the pages are all black around the edges. As soon as you look at it this is an interesting book.

It just gets better from there. In a nutshell it's about Ariel, an unconventional and very interesting woman, who happens across a cursed book in the course of her PhD research. Then it all gets weird and complicated. To quote a user on Amazon: "The central themes of this book are deep and metaphysical; it deals with language, thought and existence, borrowing from Derrida, Heidegger and Samuel Butler. There is also a fair dollop of quantum theory thrown in... That Thomas has even managed to produce anything remotely readable from her heavy subject matter is testament to what a talented novelist she is."

Oh, my poor deprived and starved brain is loving it!

Now if you'll excuse me there's a couch with my name on it waiting at home. I wonder if she dies at the end? 'Tis possible at this point...

Classic Books and Reading and Stuff

One of my friends sent me this list of classic books. You're supposed to follow the instructions below and show the online blogging community what a little bookworm you are.

Well, why the heck not?

Below is a list of classic books and you are supposed to look at the list and:

1. Bold those you have read.
2. Italicise those you intend to read.
3. [Bracket] the books you LOVE.
4. Underline those you HATE.
Or surround with asterisks if blogger won't underline stuff.
5. Reprint this list on your own blog.

[Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen]
The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee 
The Bible (Bits of it. That counts right?)
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
[Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell]
 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
Complete Works of Shakespeare (Again, most of it!)
Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
Middlemarch - George Eliot
Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (I read the sequel. Does that count?)
The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
Bleak House - Charles Dickens
War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
[The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams]
Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
[Emma - Jane Austen] [Persuasion - Jane Austen]
 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis 
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
[Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden]
[Winnie-the-Pooh - AA Milne]
 Animal Farm - George Orwell
 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins 
Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
[The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood]
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Atonement - Ian McEwan
Fire and Hemlock - Dianna Wynne-Jones
Dune - Frank Herbert
Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
[Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen]
A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
 [Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez]
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
On The Road - Jack Kerouac
Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
 [Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding]
Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
Moby-Dick - Herman Melville
*Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens* (Had to do it in school. Bah!)
Dracula - Bram Stoker
The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
Ulysses - James Joyce
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
Germinal - Emile Zola
Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
Possession - A. S. Byatt
A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
The Color Purple - Alice Walker
The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
Charlotte’s Web - EB White
The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
*The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks* (I got SO bored)
Watership Down - Richard Adams
A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
Hamlet - William Shakespeare
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Still Don't Know What To Do With A Sick Lemon Though

I just spent 4 days intensively learning how to be a competent First Aider folks. Go me! I have a certificate, badge and a hideously garish green lanyard. Unpleasant accessories aside, I feel all virtuous and like a useful member of society now. I'm probably going to forget all that I have learned very quickly but I thought I should share a few of the most important/most surprising things I found out. Useful knowledge is a thing that should be shared after all :o)

In no particular order:

No 1.

Never, ever, ever try and pop a dislocated limb back into the socket. Despite what the movies and Mel Gibson tell you this is a really dangerous thing to do. You could trap nerves and do a lot more damage.

No 2.

The difference between somebody having a heart attack and somebody having an epileptic fit is vital to remember because epileptics can stop breathing for up to 25 seconds when a fit is coming on. Epileptics go rigid before a fit whereas somebody who has had a heart attack will still be floppy. You're supposed to check breathing for 10 seconds before initiating CPR usually so watch for this sign.

No 3.

CPR is bloody hard work. You really have to press down on the chest cavity for it to be effective. It has to go down by about 4-5cm (1.5 - 2 inches). Also don't give really deep rescue breaths because this could cause the casualty to vomit, which would make CPR even more unpleasant. The good news is that you can sing Nellie the Elephant or Marie's Wedding and that is equivalent to the 30 chest compressions needed between the 2 rescue breaths. That means if you panic and forget how to count you're ok as long as you can remember to stop when you get to '...trump trump trump.'

No 3.1

ALWAYS call for an ambulance before starting CPR, or get somebody else to do it, and tell the emergency services you have an unconscious casualty who is not breathing. You'll get bumped to the top of the queue then.

No 3.2

Remember to tell them exactly where you are as well!

No 4.

The little rhyme to help with treating shock and other circulatory problems: Lie the casualty down and....

If they're pale, raise the tail (feet. To help blood flow to the heart and lungs)
If they're red, raise the head (for the same reason just in a different direction)

No 5.

Somebody with a nosebleed should not hold their head back to stem the flow. This could cause blood to go down their throat and into their stomach and they could vomit. The stomach does not like blood (except in black pudding. Yum!) and rejects it. A person with a nosebleed should pinch the soft part of the nose together and be encouraged to sit down and lean forward for about 10 minutes to allow a clot to form. They can spit out any blood that goes into their mouth into a bowl or something. After this tell them NOT to pick or blow their nose for a while because it could dislodge the clot. If a severe nosebleed carries on for more than 10 minutes send them to hospital.

No 6.

Anyone who has the Heimlich or abdominal thrusts performed on them because of choking MUST go to hospital to be checked out. Those manoeuvres can cause a lot of internal injury so it's better to be safe than sorry. Oh, and Zoe tells me that people apparently vomit after having a Heimlich so have a bucket handy.

Hopefully I'll not have to use some of the more extreme things I've learned though. For example, I do not fancy having to bandage up a fractured collar bone because they're supposed to hurt like burgery and I'd worry I'd make things worse. I think if any little students have panic attacks in Freshers' week I'll be well able to cope though. Unfortunately the answer is not to slap them....

Ok, it's to remove them from the cause of the anxiety to somewhere quiet and private. Explain you thing they're having a panic attack and then get them to breathe into a paper bag or their cupped hands. This is because there's too much oxygen in their system and they need to get more CO2 in instead. Once they calm down tell them to seek medical help if it's their first one or give them a cup of tea and send them on their way. Job done.

So there we go. You can sleep slightly safer in each other's beds now knowing that I'm all trained up and ready to administer sticking plasters and triangular bandages in an instant, provided the first aid kit has such things in it....

Didn't Last Long...

Ok, so the not moaning did not last very long. I stumbled across something today that got me flexing the old rant muscles again...

PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I believe that's what it stands for and, to be fair, on the face of it they stand for a noble sentiment. I agree that animal welfare should not be sacrificed in the name of the almighty dollar, but mostly because well looked after beasties taste sooooo much better. The chicken I had at a make shift roadside greasy spoon in Mexico was some of the best godsdamn chicken I've tasted in quite a while. There was a suspicion that the family who ran the eaterie possibly kept the chickens themselves out the back, which would explain the great flavour. That all might not be true but I like to think it is so who are you to rain on my parade?

Anyway, back to the point - PETA in themselves are not noble in my opinion. They are terrible bitchy horrible people who seem to try and get their point across in the stupidest ways possible. If PETA were a person or persons they would be the group of popular and pretty girls in high school that band together and derive pleasure from ridiculing and torturing anyone they think deserves it (i.e. anyone who is not in their clique). Witness the above caricatures of the Olsen twins. Now, this pair are not my most favourite people on the face of the planet, more so after I ended up sitting through New York Minute because it was one of the only English language films I could find on Mexican television (Eugene Levy, what were you thinking? Mortgage payments I hope!). They seem to be just another pair of vacuous twits who have floated to the top of the scum pool that is Hollywood and the bizarre industry that incorporates celebrity gossip and paparazzi. I don't think they deserve to be so cruelly caricatured in such an immature and nasty way though.

So what got me going today? On my usual daily perusal of the celebrity gossip websites (I said it was bizarre and I didn't condemn it because that'd make me a hypocrite. Let's face it, humans have always been fascinated by what the idle rich are doing.) I found this

http://www.mollygood.com/peta-must-be-desperate-20080716/

Corey Feldman has jumped on the PETA bandwagon and seems to be trying to convince us to live on frozen veg. Corey Feldman? Oh puhleeease!

It didn't just stop there though.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=grill


I found the above blog through comments on the Mollygood post. It's a very interesting post/article... Well, it's a rant really but he spouts a lot of facts and figures to back it up. The email from PETA and his response to it are well worth checking out as well.

As I said, I'm all for treating the animals I eat well and I always buy free range and organic where possible but these PETA a-holes make me want to eat a bacon sandwich while wearing a fur coat and poking a battery chicken with a stick.

To end on a more positive note I did a Google image search for "Cutest kitten ever" and got some pretty keeeeeyoooot results. This one is the winner today though. Aaaaw! Look at its little paws and wee ears and big eyes. Aaaargh! The cuteness!